In this post, I’ll only be speaking in the context of romantic relationships/endeavors. I could go off on a whole other tangent about how men at large behave when they respect women in a broader sense, but for the sake of time, I’ll be narrowing this down to romance.
Keep in mind that this post isn’t about villainizing men. I understand that there are an infinite amount of factors that play into an individual’s actions, beliefs, and perspective of the world and the people in it. Trauma exists in men – there’s no refuting that, and sometimes men are taught about life and relationships by bad teachers. It sucks, and it’s a topic that deserves attention, especially considering the harmful and often dangerous implications it has in regard to other demographics, but because I’m not a sociologist, I will elaborate no further on that aspect of the discussion. Right now we’re celebrating the good and emphasizing that it is not your responsibility to teach a romantic partner how to treat you with basic human decency. It’s 2022, and the era of sympathy for “fixer-uppers” is over. We’re looking for emotionally competent, reliable, communicative, and affectionate men, and we’ll stand for nothing less.
Remember, like everything else I write on this God-forsaken blog, all of what you’re reading is conceived through my own personal lens, my own experience, and my own observations. Some, if not all, of the information in this post, may not be applicable to your life at all, and that is perfectly fine. I’ve never claimed to be the defining authority on life and romance–I’m simply a woman who has gone through some shit, and I’m here to help prevent you from making the same mistakes I did.
Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, we can start digging into good men and how to find them.
First, understand that men who respect you CARE about how you feel, what you think, and what you value. That doesn’t mean that they 100% understand why you feel the way that you do, but they’re ready to give support, validate, and give due consideration to your struggles and emotions. These men will not tell you that you’re overly sensitive, too emotional, or immature for displaying vulnerability.
Men who respect you do not dismiss your knowledge or concerns, instead, they actively listen to what you have to say. They won’t always agree, and when they don’t, they will refute information, not defame your character, personhood, or intelligence. These men will not call you stupid or idiotic.
Men who respect you will not tear you down and insult you to make themselves or others laugh. It’s fine to laugh when you goof up – I do it all the time – what’s not funny is when people are laughing at you and not with you. Making light of a harmless mistake or misunderstanding is vastly different from being made fun of for an event or incident that is accompanied by serious shame, embarrassment, regret, or loss. Your vulnerable moments in life are not someone else’s comedic material, and men who respect you understand that without having to be told.
Men who respect you will give consideration to your wants and interests. Again, I’m not saying that he’ll always let you have your way when it comes to date night ideas or how you’re going to spend your weekend, but a man who respects you will accommodate you just as much as you accommodate him. For example, my family throws a lot of parties, and since we only live about an hour and a half away from them, I’m often expected to attend those events. My boyfriend doesn’t chomp at the bit to drive down to the swamp once a month, but he accompanies me graciously, always being a good sport, staying in good humor during our visit, and makes great efforts to blend in with my family. On the flip side, he’s an avid golfer, and I certainly am not, but there have been plenty of times when I’ve woken up for a pre-8 AM tee time to drive the cart and keep score. It’s about compromise and balance.
Men who respect you will take the time to learn how you best receive love. I don’t intend to be one of those people that shoves the Five Love Languages in your face and says that it’s the end-all-be-all of relationship reading material, but I will say that it is a good place to start when you’re trying the better understand how to most clearly convey love to another person. Agreeing to take the quiz is an intentional, deliberate way that your partner can show you their willingness to learn about who you are as a human being, and vice versa. You can take the quiz here. To someone who truly respects you, loving you in a way that is most meaningful to you isn’t some unreasonable or unrealistic undertaking. You’re not high-maintenance for desiring to be loved in a way that is easiest to you to comprehend; believe it or not, flowers, love letters, and hugs don’t mean the same thing to everyone, and it’s ridiculous to believe that in a world as diverse as ours, that there’s a one-size-fits-all method to love.
Men who respect you think that your dreams and aspirations are important and encourage you to take the necessary steps to pursue them. I don’t care if your life goal is to walk on the moon, a person who loves you will encourage you to get an adequate education, undergo the proper training, and cheer you on as to apply to astronaut school, or wherever those people go to do that. That’s a dramatic example, but the sentiment is solid. A man that respects you will believe in you. They probably won’t be able to arrange the moon and stars to make it happen for you (of course, achieving your dreams is always up to you and your willingness to go after them), but they should never tear you down or discourage you, even if your goals are unconventional. Do you know who my biggest cheerleader is as I’m writing this post now? My boyfriend. Do you know who was troubleshooting with me while I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out WordPress? My boyfriend. Do you know who sends me copywriting job openings and encourages me to continue learning and writing to improve my chances of making a career out of this in the future? You guessed it–my boyfriend. He does all of those things because he respects not only who I am as a person, but my potential to do and accomplish something great.
I could go on and on about how there are so many more behaviors and tendencies that good men exhibit, but I’m not going to get on a high horse about opening doors and walking on the street side of the sidewalk–though in most cases, those are wonderful habits that display an innate sense of care, they can also be indoctrinated, empty gestures pounded into the heads of men with a “traditional” upbringing. What I’m meaning to say is that there’s more to respecting women than those visible and tangible acts of chivalry, and there are people on the receiving end of chivalry who value those acts more than others. In my humble opinion, I think they’re nice and they make me smile, but they don’t mean nearly as much to me as everything else I’ve listed above, so I don’t place as much emphasis on them.
Now, if you don’t mind indulging me, I would like to throw out a few words of caution to my precious, sweet girls, gays, and theys who have been gaslit into believing that it’s their responsibility to coach undeserving boys into men fit for romantic relationships:
We get stuck in this trap of “I can fix him” or “he just needs my help to work through his demons” like, no. You are not a licensed therapist. You do not have the expertise to change that walking war crime into a decent romantic partner. Let. It. Go. We are not raising our boyfriends anymore. You are not here to kick off his character development, and you do not need to waste your time and hurt your feelings to be the sacrificial lamb it takes to get him to see the error of his ways. You deserve a man who is prepared and willing to love you well. You can do better than the man-child who’s made a sport out of trivializing your emotions and invalidating your concerns. You’re not overreacting. You’re not over-emotional. Your standards are not too high. Chances are that you’re looking for basic human decency–for the man that you’re romantically involved with to treat you like he actually likes you. That’s not too much to ask for, and you’re not being unreasonable. You should want someone who tries as hard as you do, who sacrifices as much, who cares as much, who loves as much. That’s not crazy–that’s demanding the bare minimum.
Men who are capable of rising to the occasion are few and far between, but they are out there, and they’re worth looking for because chances are that they’re looking for you too.
Best,
Becca